Who Am I?

Shaman…Shamanism…

Drum beater, drum, stick. Heartbeat.  Vibration.

These word keeps showing up over and over again.  I think of earthly shamans.  Plant medicine.  Soul journeying.  Trance dancing. Ritual. Ceremony.  I don’t do this.  I am not trained to do this.  I don’t work like they (shamans) do.

I remember holding a book called Shamanism at Powell Books in Portland on a family trip and thinking I need to learn more about this, a bread crumb long ago.  I put it back on the shelf.

What am I?  What am I becoming?  Where do I fit into the brilliant puzzle of existence?  What is real?  What is just noise and fluffy distraction?

What am I here to do?  What am I here to be?  I get it…to be fully expressed. 

But what in the world is that even to me?  I am out of touch with this human form expressing who and what I am.  I don’t know how to answer the question.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  Is this my ego protecting me?  Is this my “integration.”  Is something about to click?

All I have is an endless list of questions.  Questions that sometimes get answered and sometimes don’t.  It isn’t a fun experience. This is actually quite frustrating.  To be here on this planet with some kind of rebirth going on, and not knowing. 

I hear from others that I know.  If I know, then what is in the way from me receiving the truth of this knowing?

Am I asking the wrong questions?  What are the right questions to ask?  There is no right question.

This existence is a fucking challenge and I don’t know how to tame my mind.  I don’t know how to work anymore.  I don’t know what is available that feels good to me.  I don’t want to chase, but I also don’t want to sit idle. 

I am bored as fuck and entertaining myself at home is getting really old. 

Not having actual people in my life is kind of lame.  Not finding love with another partner is creating a longing that I cannot control.  Loneliness is separation, and it is real for me, in this phase of this transformation.

I guess it is simply I am not in control of how I feel or what I am experiencing as a result of my intuitive “NO”s.  So many more NOs than yeses right now.  Just gigantic expensive yeses and little else in between.

The building part is grueling.  I don’t get it.  I am doing and not doing.  I am being and not being.  I don’t know where to be, where to focus, where to find my sustainment.

Shaman.  What is the meaning I am supposed to take from shaman.  I know what I am not – and that is being one right now.  I am not.  I am just existing right now and I am not in a state of enjoyment.

Gratitude, yes, for having the time and the space to unravel whatever this is.  The unbecoming stage has been going on for years.  Where is the transformation that is from joy?  It is tattooed on my left arm.

What happened to this concept and trying to have this experience instead of the transformation through fucking tears and loneliness?

I am interested in more than what I am experiencing, yet I don’t even know where to go.  I am in this holding pattern that is hard to accept.  I have my mentor with the LET'S GO energy and I have spirit with the hold energy.  What am I learning right now?  Escaping? 

All I crave is to escape and be rescued in some fairytale manor.  Only I haven’t seen any actual evidence this is a thing for me. 

I am not a damsel in distress.  I am a fully functional and smart as fuck, Goddess. 

I just don’t want to do all of life on my own.  So many things are to be completed with other people, yet here I am.  Completing the whatever on my own. 

I don’t have IT.  I don’t even know what IT is.  I just know IT isn’t here.  Scarcity/lack.  I can’t even tell you what IT is.  Searching for IT and I can’t find IT or put my finger on IT.

What is IT?  Oversoul – tell me what IT is?  Am I here to be my own partner?  Am I here to be alone?  Am I here to be in a constant struggle with myself?

I look up and see the ideal client picture I created 2 years ago.  I am fully in this energy right now.

How about you? Is that why you are reading this?

Here is what I know about this…it is temporary and not something to cling to.  Not something to spend days, months, and years ruminating about it.

I exist.  I have purpose in existing.  Period.  End of story.

Just write: Where are you struggling and wanting validation for your existence?