Mother's Day Is A Hard Day For Me

I struggle with Mother's Day because I really don't know how to handle it. I question it every year.

I don't have a strong relationship with the one who birthed me. I don't know why it is the way that it is. I can only try to find a story that feels better as I heal the gaping mother wound left behind.

It is part of my soul curriculum, to heal it. It's a doozy too!

I struggled with my own ability to mother my child. I felt so much love for my child and I couldn't understand what I received from my own parents as I grew up. It didn't make sense to me. I questioned my loveability constantly.

I even tried to cut things off with her when my child was little. And yet, somehow, I couldn't honor myself at that time. I dreamed of a different relationship. It showed promise, and then over time, it went back to the way it was.

I felt obligated for a long, long time to celebrate my mom on Mother's Day. That is the message. Celebrate mom! You only have one. Don't be sorry for not keeping in touch. Yet when I went to pick out a card, nothing spoke to me about our version of relationship. The warm and nurturing experience - yeah, nope. The cards with less words worked best, or cards that were funny. My plan: Drop the flowers off, get in and get out. Don't say what I really feel, just be thankful for what you have. Right?

Then I changed. I couldn't take how shitty I felt on the inside any longer. I took responsibility for my state of being. I stopped looking for outside validation and acknowledgement and faced my feelings of abandonment and rejection. I began to love and nurture my own self. I began to believe in my value and my worthiness. I began to honor my intuition. I started falling in love with the truth of who I am. I focused on healing my mother wound. I began releasing trauma and old locked up feelings. I was shedding the shit. The shit from generations of family that were wounded and struggling in their own ways.

They didn't know what they were doing. They didn't know any other way. They just did what they were taught to do and be.

Then came me. The pattern breaker. The one to put a stop to repeating the karmic cycles. to pull myself out of the loop that kept me locked up invisibly.

I share this with the strength of doing what is right for my own healing and integrity process at this time as a way to mirror your own strength. If I can do it, so can you.

Things may change. I am open to the possibility of a new version of relationship with her, but/and for now, I choose me.

I actually decided against doing things out of obligation. That energy is depleting, and my cup is already less than full, so I went against the grain. I went against what society says is the right and loving thing to do. This Mother's Day, I did nothing. I did not make an effort to celebrate Mother's Day for her. I just didn't. It didn't feel aligned, and my intuition told me to focus on the boundaries I had established. It wasn't time to lift them. I chose me.

Is this wrong? Some would argue that it is. Some might say I am ungrateful, entitled, spoiled, or rigid. I am willing to let them say that. It is true, I only have one mom and she birthed me into the world. Yes, she did birth me. And I honor that I am here because of her in that sense. I love her and accept who she is. We simply aren't aligned at this time.

I honor that I am who I am as a result of her and our soul contract.

What is a soul contract, you ask? It is the spiritual reason behind the experiences we have that provide a means to grow and learn our soul lessons. She absolutely played her part spectacularly! An amazing performance. I mean it, because if she didn't play it that way, I wouldn't understand love the way I do now or the importance of inner security and inner safety.

Hard lessons shape us. It is a choice to grow, shrink, or numb out. I choose to grow, over and over and over again.

I believe people who have big missions tend to go through hard lessons. There is a purpose in the challenges we experience, we just don't always see them in the midst of the challenge.

This was an opportunity to reclaim power and no longer people please, a very hard lesson indeed. To learn love doesn't require an exchange of goods and services and love just because we are inherently worthy of it. Claiming space and respect, putting myself first.

When you really want to create the life that you love in all aspects, sometimes there are extremely difficult decisions to be made. Heart wrenching decisions. Decisions about who is allowed to have access to your energy, and who receives the blessings of what you offer in your authentic expression. Gatekeeper.

If it were easy, everyone would do it.

To those of you struggling with what the "right" thing to do about obligations, I will remind you that only you can show others what it looks like to CHOOSE YOU. You show them through your actions. When you choose you, first and consistently over time, you change the way others treat you. You set the standard. You maintain the standard.

When you follow your heart and listen to your intuitive wisdom, you are standing in your power and magic of creating a life you love. You are showing up for yourself in ways that most people don't. You are telling the universe you mean business and you raise your standards to support the new way. You will be challenged, and you have everything you need to create the life you dream of.

For now, I will celebrate Mother's Day in my own way that works for me.

Just Write: What things are you continuing to do out of obligation and people pleasing instead of listening to your heart?