Fuck Fearless!

For as long as I can remember I have yearned to be fearless, while carrying around fears for most of my life.  Some realistic and some irrational. 

I know that people tout fearlessness and speak to concurring your fear by being in it and moving through it.  I have faced fears and moved anyway using courage many times to take the next step. 

I do believe there are fears that are absolutely to be faced and overcome, but I don’t believe all fears are meant to be dealt with in a forceful way.

This week in Sedona, I was called to experience Cathedral Rock and wanted to see the sunrise from the saddle.  It’s a strong energetic place that was pulling me to experience it.  It required hiking across slickrock and climbing up a crevice.  It is ranked as 4.9 Hard on All Trails with an elevation gain of 741 feet over 1.2 miles out and back. It doesn’t seem that big of a deal on paper.  I have hiked higher and longer, however I also have a fear of heights.  Walking a trail versus scaling a crevice are very different skills for me. 

I was being pushed to face this fear and get more comfortable standing on the edge already from the day before and a previous hike I have been on prior to this trip to Sedona.

It was pretty easy to start, but then I hit the proverbial brick wall.  The part of the hike that required climbing a crevice that stopped me in my tracks. 

I witnessed others make their way up and I saw the look on their face when they saw what they had to do...validation. 

I climbed over to a place where I could sit and lean back on the rock.  It’s a very powerful vortex – magnetic, feminine. 

Thankfully, I was with another person.  She asked me what my fear was telling me.  My fear was telling me to “respect and love” it.  What a different take on the experience of fear.  It was also “protecting me” it said.  I felt into my body and whether I could keep going or not. 

I got present and breathed, placing my hand on my heart.  Connecting.

My legs were rubbery. I practiced regulating, listening to my body.

I told my friend; I wasn’t going any further and just scooched a little to the side where I could ground into the rock supporting me below and behind me.

I was watching the rock face across from me and seeing faces in the rocks, guardians.

Then came the singing.  Coyotes across the valley just below us, more tears falling.  The trickster revealed.

I understood.

I was called to go to the vortex in the saddle of the formation, however that wasn’t truly the experience that was there for.

I started processing, questioning, and communicating in silence with my fears, my higher self, and my guides.  I kept breathing and checking in with my body working to shift and get stable legs to climb up to the top.  It wasn’t available.

I gave my friend a choice point. 

I offered her the option to continue onward as I didn’t want to be the cause of missing out on a powerful experience.  I was processing a lot of things in the moment and she was free to still get the experience she came for, sunrise at the saddle.

Her answer, taking out her flute and playing a song. 

I cried again, experiencing the love and support from this beautiful friend and soul sister.  A person who chose to support me in that moment.  It was so profound, and I am still moved as I write about this now.

In the past, I typically found myself in places where I was experiencing the emotion of “unsupported.”  I released many of these trapped emotions from my body and Heart Wall using The Emotion Code process. 

It was difficult to experience the feeling of being supported throughout much of my life.  Now, it is time for me to feel and embody being supported.

My fear put me in the right place, at the right time, with the right person for the experience for me to receive love, support, guidance, presence, patience, and see the beauty present in that moment.  I have been trained to be a very independent woman, too independent at times.  Not because I wanted to be, more as a result of others just not able to offer their support in meaningful ways.

Receiving and being supported go hand in hand, and I am learning about the importance of receiving.

Eventually, we went back down and found another location to see the sun.  We were able to see the beauty of it just after rising over the horizon.  It was still magical!  

More guidance became available as I continued sitting with the fear and communicating with it.

It’s not always about taking the fear and smashing through it.  Sometimes it is more valuable to listen to it, manage it, and work with it to get the greatest understanding from it.  Not all fears are alike.  Some of them really are for you and your highest good in that moment. It was my body telling me not to go any further, but to receive what was available in that moment.

As we came down and walked back to the car, it was clear that some things just are meant to be with, no matter the discomfort.  Had I pushed through the fear, I wouldn’t have experienced this gift that was there for me.  That is the beauty that exists regardless of the challenge. 

I didn’t fail or prevent someone from having their experience.  I also didn’t take on the guilt that was present.  I didn’t force myself to do something my body wasn’t willing and able to do.  I moved through it quickly and became filled with gratitude and adapted, experiencing magic anyway.

I will be back to take another run at it.

Whoopie-la!